What writing means to me

I know there are people out there who have published projects and then for one reason or another, stepped out of the writing business--Poppy Z. Brite stands as a good example. For writers like Poppy, writing came to mean something dark, something that made it slinging words lose its zest. And I can understand completely because sometimes for me writing means:

• Feeling terrified that I will never be good enough, that my ability to write will always remain on a level that fails my dreams;
• Drinking so much coffee my stomach cramps, because when I'm high on caffeine, the words come so sweet and fast;
• Missing television like a lost friend;
• Having more in common with people I know from Twitter than friends I've known half my life;
• Feeling guilty that I don't devote more time to writing and reading;
• Resenting my friends and family for taking me away from writing and reading;
• Missing out on time with my Sweetie-Pie;
• Giving up the dulcimer and martial arts and yoga and neglecting my plants.

But then, there are other things about writing that makes it impossible to even imagine taking a break from it. Because writing also means:

• Never needing to be bored when I'm alone;
• Feeling that surge of excitement when I solve a plot problem;
• Losing myself so deeply in a story that I feel as if I have abandoned my body and am sweeping through a world beyond this one;
• Getting excited about a new way to use a word;
• Being part of a small, very focused group of people who are exciting and fun and stimulating in a way no one else has ever been;
• Giving myself a challenge every single day;
• Looking into the folds of my mind to find the meaning that binds my self and thoughts together;
• Elevating the mundane into art;
• Doing the one thing that I know I have created myself to do.

When I look at the two lists, I see sacrifice weighed against bliss; time weighed against meaning; ordinary weighed against divine. For now, I can give myself up to it. I will be strong enough to go to the words and spin them out of my self until I have no more to spin. May the winding be long and the words many.